This is a dog eat dog world.

It is of great regrets that I have to use this blog as a punching bag to remove my unhappiness.

I am not as great as you think. Today, I feel bruised, mutilated, and ego-destroyed. All along, I think I could have been a great analyst; I planned my every move and simply try to get what I want. But the cold hard fact is that I get really disappointed when things do not happen my way and I don’t know how to manage my unhappiness.

Today, feeling really lousy, I spent my 5 dollars of café express voucher and bought myself an iced-blended mocha plus a gigantic-sized blueberry cheese cake, thinking of swallowing away my unhappiness and at the same time try to get myself fat (to play better Judo). However, things just got worse, I look at the crowd of students smiling and giggling away and also couples happily swaying past me, and I just feel a wave of despair.

Maybe it could be the left-handed syndromes? I think most left-handed like me, do tend to excel well in studies, but when it comes to socializing and managing of emotions, we just suck at it.

I am not desperate for company, neither am I desperate for achievement. But until now, I don’t know what I am living for, or maybe what I have thought of initially, was just but a nicely-fabricated hoax. Initially, in the morning, I pray to GOD, he told me not to give up; he gave me strength to fight on. But then, in the afternoon, I hope to hide myself under his prowess as I cannot stand my raging emotions, he said no, he said I needed more training, I am not qualified enough yet to reach his gates of heaven.

A friend of mine told me that she was very lost along the way. She evaluated her achievement and felt that her achievements was astonishing, but it seems that she has drifted away from her initial path that she intended to follow. “Blinding like an over-achiever” like how I would put it. She fought on till today trying to revert back to her original self.

What do I wish for?

I don’t access my identity using the kind or amount of friends I have, neither with my close ones and of course not with my achievements or progress in school.

You know, sometimes, I am just me, an independent individual, capable of protecting and following my principles in life, not easily-influenced, strong and dependable instead and lastly, guided by GOD, willing to fight for GOD.

The life-long battle for me has just but started. I will perverse. Tough life don't last, tough men do!